I’m Reminded of the British Police by Valentine’s Day in the USA
USA & Ireland Little Difference #20: Valentine’s Day
What’s wrong with America on Valentine’s Day, is what always reminds me of one of so many meetings I had with the British police.
It’s a small room in Holyhead. Just me, my bag, and a box of books. Once again the North Wales Police Force have made me miss my train. I’m used to it.
“What’s this?” asked the policeman as he tried to rub off from the little map in my diary the white substance I’d placed over both the border and the ‘London’ that some monarch had stuck in front of ‘Derry’.
Resisting saying, “It’s the very reason you’re questioning me”, I said simply “TippEx”.
“Now let’s have a look at these books of yours”.
Whoever thought Peig would get you into trouble with the British police? He spent ages on Scéalta ón mBlascaod by Kenneth Jackson (do scríobh ó bhéal Pheig Sayers)
“Why do you read this stuff?”
“Because she was a big fat liar, and that makes me laugh” is not what I answered. Instead I was down to shrugging, and worried about what the police might make of my small collection of pulp horror novels at the bottom of the box.
And then the most fuss was caused by Basil Chubb’s The Government and Politics of Ireland. In common with many books about how government and public administration are structured, the name of the country was in very large letters, coloured to look like the national flag. Obviously a terrorist handbook by the reknowned number-cruncher.
“Why are these parts highlighted?” asked the officer of the section on how to blow up Downing Street. Or maybe it was the section on the distinction between local and national government.
I asked if I could have my book to look at what I had highlighted. Over the next few minutes I read a couple of pages, flicking backwards and forwards, pointing at words with my finger for my own benefit, before finally answering:
“It’s because they’re salient points”
Which only meant I had to then defend why I hadn’t highlighted all the non-highlighted sentences in this chapter. Clearly the police weren’t going to accept the reverse logic of these sentences not being salient points, so instead I tossed a great wisdom at them:
“When you highlight everything, you highlight nothing”
And then I was released.
Unless things have changed since I left, Valentine’s Day in Ireland is something for people who have other halves, to celebrate or not, with their other halves. And for people who would secretly, and not so secretly, like to have other halves - and truth be told, all kinds of fractions of which the sum of most certainly would exceed one.
Beyond being the secret desire of the mathematically and socially challenged, Valentine’s Day only affects you by way of horrendous evening traffic as so many people try to get home and out again because nothing expresses true love like over-priced food cooked by strangers.
But here in America it’s different. All the above more or less applies, except the socially and mathematically challenged don’t bother sending secret cards when they can get their message of love across instead by going on a killing spree.
Kansas City might be the home of Hallmark, but last time I was in Eason’s it wasn’t like they were short on Hallmark cards.
No, the bigger differences are differences that apply to much of life here in the middle of America. Two things. And as you know me so well, you know I struggle with them.
1) It’s all about the kids
2) Everyone’s a winner
So children exchange commercially made fold-over and tuck-in cards to every other kid they know. In schools, in neighbourhoods, wherever children congregate, cards and candies are given. Second only to Halloween, Valentine’s Day is another excuse to fill children up with rubbish. Like Easter, the Fourth of July, St Patrick’s Day, Christmas, and any event you care to think of.
And because nobody can be left out and face the challenge of being left out - because that will never happen when they grow up - when a kid gives a card to one child, cards are given to all children. This is a real shame because it robs parents of the chance to realize their kids are actually highly unpopular and probably the ones planning killing sprees of their own to combat alienation and low self-esteem.
I’ve watched little kids play soccer in the US, and the losing team gets cheered off and congratulated just as much as the winning team. Even though they were rubbish and should probably be grounded for playing so poor. And then, in case they actually gained any benefit at all from running around in the outside, they are filled up with greasy snacks that will give them the sort of skin condition that only premature contraception can fix.
Hey little Johnny, you really should have scored that time. You only had the keeper to beat. You played rubbish. You’re not a winner. You lost. Your team lost. And it’s mostly your fault. Now give me that piece of pizza.
So Valentine’s Day is for everybody. Because everyone’s a winner. Speaking as a loser, I don’t like this. I don’t like that when I woke up yesterday morning a great big sign across the road with a whopping big heart on it told me to have a happy Valentine’s Day. How can I? I don’t do fractions.
All day, emails, the radio, websites, everybody wishing everybody a happy Valentine’s Day. People eating heart-shaped pancakes, pizzas and cookies. They are not lovers and will never be. Cupid is missing. It’s a day of appreciation. I really love you for what you are. No you don’t; what I am is a loser.
Valentine’s Day here is a day that you tell people how much they’ve helped and made a difference. Who has gone above and beyond the call of duty for you? Or, who or what are you taking for granted? Nobody misses out. It’s a stupid day, robbed of meaning by spreading it so wide.
And if Valentine’s Day is for everybody, then surely it is for nobody? Imagine if the entire population shared your birthday. Would you be special then? Or would you be out buying candy for the kids?
This happens with everything. People can’t be left out. Especially kids. So every event is about everybody. And nobody is special anymore.
Mother’s Day is no longer about the unique relationship between you and your mother; it’s about mothers in general. Motherhood. Pick a mother, any mother. Here, pick another one. You can wish a happy Mother’s Day to a woman younger than yourself, not related to you in any way, simply because she’s conceived in the last 24 hours. Or she’s planning on starting a family. Because it would be a shame to leave her out.
This will happen with birthdays.
-Happy Birthday!
-It’s not my birthday
-I know, but it’s Georgina’s birthday so everybody should have a happy birthday, a happy birthday of Georgina’s
-Get stuffed
Nobody wins if you don’t have losers. And Valentine’s Day is all about losers. And to be a real loser you need to have at least reached puberty.
It’s not about the kids. Stop stuffing their faces and telling them they’re special. They’re not. They’re kids.
Give Valentine’s Day back to the losers. The grown-up losers.
Oh, and apologies for not writing this anti-Valentine’s Day diatribe yesterday; I just didn’t have the heart.
See Also:
• Talking Temperatures
• madra : dog
• What Little Kids Don’t Need to Play Soccer
• Finding Money
Eolaí gan Fhéile:
Ah, I love a pint of bitter with my lunchtime blog reads.
That was a brilliant, brilliant post.
A magical marathon, my man! (I’m in an M humour today). One of your best posts yet.
How very true. And what a day of terror it is for so many men in case they got part of it wrong.
Happy Landmine Day.
Only echoing Sweary, but that was a really well-written one Eolaí. Beautifully put together.
Really great one, Eolai!… thanks for that!
Looks like a tent in the living room and 3 dodgy
electric heaters can lead to inspiration!
Reminds me an old, famous Ozark “Wisecrack”.
One of the “Stranger asks local fella a question”
variety.
Imagine “Arkansas Traveller” being vamped
in the background ( Dum-de-do-da dum-dee,
dum, dum, dee… )
Stranger ridin’ in his horse towards town stops
to talk to an old feller who lives on the side of
the road just outside the town limits.
“Say old feller… how come you lives right here
and you don’t just move on up the road into town?”
Old feller says…
“Well sakes amighty, that’s easy… I’m doin’ them
po folk a favor… Imagine how miserable they’d
all be if I wasn’t out here for them to look down on.”
( Snare drum rim shot - Ba-dum… TISH! )
“When you highlight everything, you highlight nothing”
You betcha.
RANT: That’s what wrong the American education
system at this point as well. A College degree used
to mean something. Heck… a High School Diploma
actually used to mean something. That’s because it
was always assumed that somehow, someway, the
process of obtaining the piece of paper meant someone
had survived a natural process were there were, in
fact, winners and losers, suvivors and bailouts.
Now… it’s actually ILLEGAL to “Hold someone back”
in the American school system. Doesn’t matter what
you do… or what you learn ( or not )… or what you
achieve… you can glide right along to the piece of
paper right along with everyone because God forbid
someone might get to pass judgement on you
and/or label you “a loser” and drop you out of the
process.
Hence… the final end-game doesn’t mean anything
anymore. It’s just a generic stamp for time spent and
doesn’t assure that anyone knows one darn thing about
anything.
The townies are all miserable because there’s
no one living across the railroad tracks they can look
down on anymore.
ROFL.
Everybody’s a “winner”.
Brilliant.
Keep ‘em comin’… Eolai!
Yours
Kevin Kiley
Thanks people.
And Kevin you’re right. The reason I failed my degree, and then went on to fail professional accounting exams, was to give meaning to the degrees and professional qualifications of my peers. Though I guess it does mean I’m not their peer any more.
I thank you and God that I found this outstanding blog/website. This post was “lovely”. Keep it up, loser?
Cynde, are you using God instead of search engines to explore the web?
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I hadn’t read that one before. Another good read. I always get picked out at airports. Think it’s because I’m naturally, eh, nervy.
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enjoyed reading that, cheers
I’m from the U.S. and have always lived here. So I totally agree that Valentine’s Day is a children’s holiday–for the very reason that it is “for everybody.” Because when you are old enough to have actual romantic relationships (of the kind that last more than a week and involve more than giggling and passing notes), you have specific special days to celebrate. Why would you need Valentine’s Day to celebrate a specific relationship? I know many people don’t see it that way. But for me, I just fondly remember valentine gifts my mom gave us when we were children.
Mother’s Day, by the way, began not as a way to celebrate one’s own specific mother, but as a feminist anti-war effort. It was about mothers leveraging their position en masse.
Catherine - thanks very much for your comment.
I suppose the difference is that some people - including myself - believe the day to be a celebration of romantic love only, whereas you believe the holiday to be a celebration of love in general including friendship and familial love?
While the narrower definition might seem curmudgeonly, to those who follow the narrower definition the extension of the celebration to all kinds of love dilutes the impact of the day and, well, it’s probably kindest to say it causes confusing feelings.
As far as I can tell, the practice of extending the celebration to kinds of love other than romantic, hasn’t yet spread much - if at all - to other parts of th eworld.
Mother’s Day has a different origin in Ireland (& Britain) to that of the similarly named day in the US. While there were attempts by anti-war feminists to establish a Mothers Day, they were unsuccessful and when Anna Jarvis persuaded President Woodrow Wilson to create “Mother’s Day” she “was specific about the location of the apostrophe; it was to be a singular possessive, for each family to honour their mother, not a plural possessive commemorating all mothers in the world.
Of course, it didn’t take long for it to become the highly inappropriate commercial monster that most people now celebrate - just like Valentine’s Day.
I think that maybe where our opinions diverge is in the idea of “dilut[ing] the impact of the day.” To me, any mass holiday is necessarily extremely diluted because the very idea of it is generalized.
Romantic love, respect for our mothers, thanksgiving, appropriate boundaries with the macabre (Halloween), collective bargaining (Labor Day), racial equality (MLK Jr. Day)–all of these things should be part of our regular lives. Having days that memorialize them can be fun, but I don’t think there’s anything particularly meaningful about the holidays themselves.
Pretty much all U.S. holidays are childish (even or perhaps especially the religious ones). Partly it’s because our culture does place a strong emphasis on childhood, and partly because it’s a defined time to indoctrinate children into some of these values before they have the developed reasoning and, in some cases, opportunity to exercise them. (We indoctrinate our children by making them cut shapes out of construction paper. We spend so much time worrying about our oil supply, but not nearly enough worrying about our construction paper supply.)
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that’s fab Eolai and I totally agree.I can’t bear all this “good choices” nonsense either and discussing children’s options with them