Using Cannibalism Instead of Hallmark for a Special St Valentine’s Day
Forgot to get a Valentine card? Deliberately?
Don’t want to give money to card companies? Think the celebration of Valentine’s day is moronic? And yet you’re not so principled that you’re up for falling out with your other half?
Here’s something I put together quite some time ago and published elsewhere. And I know of at least 2 3 cases where it was carried out. Strictly speaking it should be done the night before Valentine’s Day.
It’s where you let Hannibal Lecter show you how to keep your self-respect whilst treating the special person in your life as, well, the special person in your life.
21 Steps to Valentine Happiness
- Watch Silence of the Lambs
- Study the scene where Hannibal Lecter escapes
- Note the distracting impact of hanging disembowelled victim with entrails as decoration
- Become Hannibal Lecter. Artistically speaking, that is
- Inform your life’s partner that Valentine’s Day is stupid, that you don’t believe in it, and that you will not be giving a card for it
- If you are still a couple, wait for your partner to go to bed
- Cut out 250 hearts of different sizes. Cut them from newspapers, not from people
- Make some of the Valentines liver-shaped, kidney-shaped and the shapes of some of your favorite organs. Blind love does not distinguish between painted paper organs
- Think of blood, and paint the hearts cadmium red. The newsprint will absorb the paint and they will fade to pink. Use cheap poster paints or acrylics. Paint the hearts roughly - they will appear very painterly
- Attach the painted valentines to strings vertically, with about ten hearts per string
- Hang six strings of hearts from the ceiling just outside your better half’s bedroom door. Put them in two rows of three
- Hang nine strings of valentines in the main living area between the bedroom and the coffeepot/kettle. Hang them diagonally as if setting a laser beam alarm system. Optionally leave love gates for easy passage
- Hang four strings of hearts in the bathroom in front of the mirror, and in the way of the toilet and shower
- Drape the final six strings of hearts over your partner’s car
- Do not buy Valentine card
- Do not wash paint off hands
- Go to bed
- In the morning apologize to your loved one for not getting a card
- Thank the person you love for the Valentine card they bought you
- Remove bloodied entrails from your face
- Wash hands, and resume a normal life
Read More Cheery Stuff About V-Day:
• Valentine’s Day in the USA Reminds Me of the British Police
Eolaí gan Fhéile:
Wow.
I bet you make women swoon.
Make some of the Valentines liver-shaped, kidney-shaped and the shapes of some of your favourite organs.
Now I know what they mean when they say “a faint heart ne’er won a fair lady - in fact, no faint organ ever did”.
I do that very thing. I make my own Valentine’s every year. And I’m always very thorough about washing off all the bloody entrails. Even the teensiest of entrails cannot escape my cleanerly gaze.
I can’t believe I never thought of this myself, I’ve had it so wrong for so long
Now that’s romance.
Messy, but romantic.
I was suprised with a dozen peach roses. He does it like every couple of years. I know he loves me so I don’t expect him to buy me something to prove it.
We were so sick that we postponed V day. I like your idea.
Postponed V Day? Is such a thing allowed?
I should note that in the recent upheaval the original
5 comments on this post have been lost… And I’ve found them again. In fact I forgot that being a hoarder I do have all comments back up - in at least 2 places, sometimes 3. So all comments lost should be reposted at some point.[Twitter] thanks you but I think I am more a card person