A Kansas City Phone Call to Ireland
Calling a banking service in Ireland is kind of like calling an American Bank. Kind of.
Last summer I got Niamh, who was very polite and interested in Kansas City; Indeed she thought 98 degrees plus humidity rendering an actual temperature that feels like 109 degrees Fahrenheit, sounded lovely.
So a few weeks back I’m calling Bank of Ireland’s Banking365. I’m doing the deed. Armed with my PIN I am registering to log online for the first time, but something appears to be wrong.
Orla is very polite and interested in Kansas City. I tell her of the recent heat, and before I get to tornadic thunderstorms and grapefruit-sized hail, Orla tells me it sounds lovely.
-Can I put you on hold Mister gan Fhéile?
-Certainly, sure aren’t calls across oceans so much cheaper these days.
They made me listen to the Corrs. If you don’t want to listen to the Corrs press 3. If you would prefer to listen to Motorhead, press the star button.
-Mister gan Fhéile, there appears to be a problem in our I.T. department and there’s nothing I can do about it. Being realistic it probably won’t be fixed today. Is there an access number where I can call you back? But as I say in all likelihood it won’t be until tomorrow
I’m left wondering if there are phone numbers you give to people that you can’t be accessed at? Are such numbers cheaper than having regular phone numbers, or access numbers?
Wait for five weeks but no call. Call Banking365 again.
Welcome to Banking365. Press 2 for first time users. I’m sorry but for option 2 you need to speak to a person - we are Banking 365 but not Banking 24-7 so you will need to call back but not within this eight hour gap that Banking 365 is not Banking 24-7.
With the six hour time difference I decide to wait from my 1am until 2am and Banking 365 is open for business. I call back and give my PIN successfully.
-Well that worked mister gan Fhéile so what exactly is the problem?
-The problem is I’m on the phone and to get online you told me there was a problem.
-Can I put you on hold, Mister gan Fhéile?
-Yes unless you make me listen to the Cor…
Alas I had Chris Rea foisted upon me.
-Do you know who you were speaking to last time Mister gan Fhéile?
-Her name was Orla, very nice, said her brother lived in New York, likes it warm I believe.
-I’m going to have to speak to my supervisor, let me make you listen to some Irish pop pap at international phonecalling rates.
-Thank you.
A different voice interrupts my foot tapping.
-Mister gan Fhéile?
-Yes.
-My name is Sharon and I believe Orla was dealing with you
-Well a month ago yes, but I just want to get access to my account online.
-Yes Mister gan Fhéile but I’m looking at the roster here and Orla doesn’t come in until 9.30, can I get a number she can access you at and have her call you when she gets in?
-Well you can but as I am still in America it means she’ll be calling me at half-three in the morning.
Tempted to give a number that I can’t be accessed at I realise that the joke would be too private and relent. So I sit up and wait, drinking tea and believing that the phone would ring.
Five hours later I give up. It is four hours after the time Orla - is there really only one Orla in Banking 365? - was due to call me. I call back, and I press option 2.
-Hello my name is Orla, can I help you?
-Yes my name is…well it probably doesn’t matter to you what my name is.
-Could I have your account number please?
-Yes, its 12345678.
And so we process the PIN successfully as usual again.
-What can I do for you?
-I’ve been trying to get access to my account online but there appears to be a problem and you keep telling me you will call me back but you never do.
Orla doesn’t remember me. I almost ask her how her brother is, but she is as nice as she was before and doing her job so why should she remember me?
-Can I put you on hold Mister gan Fhéile?
-Go on, sure maybe there’ll be some music for me to listen to.
-Mister gan Fhéile?
-Yes.
-It appears that whatever kind of account your account is, that we can’t get online access to it.
-Why not?
-Well maybe it’s a Reserved Deposit Savings Account or a Special Reserved Deposit Savings Account or a Corrs Rea Savings Account.
-It should be just an ordinary savings account (I defend myself and my meagre balance)
-Well Mister gan Fhéile, as I say we can’t tell what kind of account it is from what we can see, would you like me to call your branch for you?
-You can do that. You do remember that I am calling from America?
-It’ll only take a moment Mister gan Fhéile. Here listen to some music.
-Mister gan Fhéile?
-Yes.
-I spoke to your branch and they tell me that it is just an ordinary Savings Account, so I’m going to have to speak to somebody in our I.T. department.
My mind goes back five weeks but I don’t scream.
-Could I get an access number from you Mister gan Fhéile so we can call you back after our I.T. department has a look at the problem?
-But that is why I am calling you Orla, because the I.T. department has been looking at the problem for weeks and I keep giving you a number to access me but I have yet to be accessed.
-Well Mister gan Fhéile there really is nothing we can do here. It is an I.T. problem and I promise that I will get somebody to phone you back.
-Will you marry me?
-I really can’t do that mister gan Fhéile but I will definitely get somebody to phone you once our I.T. department has fixed the problem.
-Oh but Orla I used to work for that very I.T. department, and I worked with the team that built Banking365, so I know there is nothing you can do and I know that nobody is ever going to call me back.
-I promise Mister gan Fhéile we really will phone you.
So I give her a number I can be accessed at and forget why I wanted to get to my account online and its twenty three euro anyway.
-And is there anything else I can do for you Mister gan Fhéile? says Orla, impressively remembering where in the script we left off.
-No thanks, I was really just wanting to go online so I wouldn’t have to keep calling you.
-Well, thank you for calling Mister gan Fhéile.
-Thank you Orla.
See Also:
• Phone Ireland on your ordinary phone for FREE
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