A Kansas City Phone Call To An Irish Mother
NOTE: This post was nominated for the Irish Blog Awards 2007.
It was nominated in the Most Humorous Post category.
In September 2010 this story was published in the book Pint and a Haircut
-Hi
-Hello?
-It’s me, one of your children
-Oh hello me
-It’s raining pretty heavy here so I just thought I’d give you a ring instead of going out with the dog
-It’s lashing here too
-We’ve got the ice stuff, you know that freezing rain ice storm business?
-Oh it’s freezin here too
-No I mean actual ice
-It’s very icy here too
-Yeah but outside the window here right now there are two rabbits, a cat, and a small woman frozen rigid, completely shrouded in ice. They might not be thawed for Christmas
-That’s terrible
-Yes, the temperature is way below freezing
-It’s very cold here too
-But we have a Real Feel of twenty degrees below freezing
-I know, we have the heating on high
-But for us the weird thing is that it was hot the last few days
-You know it was the same here
-Ma, it doesn’t get that hot in Ireland in summer, never mind the end of November
-I know, it’s all gone crazy if you ask me
-It was really warm here, as in t-shirt weather
-It was very warm here too, we had to turn the heating down low. Your father was wearing a t-shirt
-It was one hundred and sixty-three degrees Fahrenheit here
-Your father would know what it was here; it was awful warm though, very close
-Ma, it wasn’t 163 degrees
-Oh you know me I don’t understand these different temperature things
-Well it was five times the heat that Ireland gets on its hottest day in the year
-Oh that’s too hot; you couldn’t live like that
-No, we should be grateful for the cold spell I suppose
-You sound tired
-I’m grand
-Have you been to bed?
-Yes
-When did you go to bed?
-Ma, I’m a grown man. I’ve even grown sideways
-When did you go to bed?
-I don’t have a bed
-Well when did you go to sleep?
-August
-No wonder you’re sick
-I’m not sick
-Well you don’t sound well
-I’m grand
-Are you eating properly?
-This is America; nobody eats properly
-You have to eat
-I do eat
-You have to eat enough
-No, I have to eat less. How do you think I grew sideways?
-You’re an awful man
-So I hear
-How is work?
-Very busy
-Have you cut your hair?
-I combed it last week
-Why don’t you cut your hair, it looks nice when it’s cut
-There’s no need; it cuts itself
-Don’t be daft, your hair can’t cut itself
-It does, I have self-cutting hair. It grows all manky, splits and breaks off
-You’re impossible
-How’s Brother The Youngest’s hair?
-Oh it’s awful, it reaches down to the back of his knees now
-Is he planning on selling it?
-I wish he’d do something with it
-Maybe he’s thinking of learning to play music
-No, he didn’t say anything about music, and he tells his mother everything
-Perhaps he has a girfriend?
-What would he be doing with a girfriend?
-I can’t imagine
-You know such-and-such?
-Nope, I never heard of such-and-such
-Ah you do, it’s so-and-so’s little sister
-I don’t know so-and-so
-You do of course, it’s missus what’s-her-face’s eldest, she went to school in that place where that fella used to go
-Oh, so-and-so, yeah I know who you mean
-Well it’s terrible but such-and-such is after getting pregnant
-I think you’ll be okay
-But it’s really terrible, you know? Missus what’s-her-face is in bits
-Well it wasn’t me
-Don’t be saying that
-Well it wasn’t; I was in America
-I hope you’re not getting any of those girls over there into trouble
-You haven’t told me how to yet
-Well I can’t talk here all day I have to get the dinner on for your father. Would you like to have a word with him?
-I can’t right now, I need to defrost the dog
-Bye for now then
-Goodbye so
See Other Conversations & Things, Since It’s Raining Out And All:
• turas : trip
• A Kansas City Phone Call to an Irish Bank
• Leaves Changing Colour
• Guns and Americans, and the English
• Irish Prison Interview With Philo
• County
• All Irish Conversations
Eolaí gan Fhéile:
Genius. Sounds so like my own grandmother, this had me in roars laughing, especially the bit where she keeps naming names to establish the tenuous connection between yourself and the pregnant girl.
Great.
‘Tis well I remember my own poor mother saying to me, “If you don’t get out there to Merikka, and look after the family drug-running business, your poor father won’t see another Feast of the Assumption with the fright and the worry down on top of him. You’re gone very thin.”
Thanks for the laugh. I really needed one.
We call it The Name Game. “You know. The guy. The one who works at that place over there. With the hat? He hangs out with what’s her name. We saw them when we were out that time. You know who I’m talking about!”
Absolutely inspired.
Thanks guys, and gal. And those who left comments on this on other entries, like Jason and Nightmare and those who left feedback by email.
Haven\’t heard from my mother since though.
Yaaay! It’s a great ‘un, and pretty much reflective of I’d say about 90% of conversations Irish sons have with their mothers, particularly when calling from abroad.
I can’t hardly type from laughing off my rocker. Has me in stitches!!!! Absolutely grand!
Hilarious!
I read your blog every so often, I like your stuff.
This was a great read.
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So funny, esp “the self cutting hair” bit.
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That’s brilliant. I hadn’t read it before. Laughed out loud at that.
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Lovely piece. Hurrah x 2
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