1. Carrickfergus, a small Antrim town of 27,000 people, would suddenly become massively overcrowded with emigrants and Irish-Americans. Despite the presence of one of the best-preserved Norman castles in Ireland, there would instantly be a major bed shortage and an immigration crisis. Belfast would likely benefit from the influx, and very few would spend their days endlessly roaming anywhere near the long road down to the sea.
2. Every one who left Derry in 1803 for Australia would suddenly be back home. Ma, put the kettle on.
3. Apples would grow on orange trees, and as a bonus those who had lost their virginity would have it restored - presumably to be tempted again, by these strange fruit. How do you like them apples?
4. Married men everywhere would again be single and their money would jingle - though if they were to go ahead and marry another, it would likely be the devil’s grandmother. You makes your wishes and you takes your chances.
5. The Queen of England would send for Irish men in the prime of their youth to fight for Ireland’s glory in foreign lands. Fighting would take place from the clear daylight until dawn, with no overtime being paid, thereby freeing these men from ever again having to attempt to plough impossibly rocky fields in the West of Ireland.
6. Irish girls everywhere would turn into red roses, some of them into red, red roses (which is unmistakeably red). They would be tended by their gardener lovers all 12 months of the year. These newly transformed gardeners also would have the odd transformation into butterflies for the sole purpose of flying to their love’s breast. One-track butterflies, if you like. At the time of actual change into gardeners these men would suddenly appear on patches of grass all over Dublin, with a beer in their left hand and a prostitute on their knee, who they would pay before heading off to water the roses.
7. Not to be outdone, women whose loved ones have gone to France to boost their fortune in euro, would suddenly appear on hills sitting and crying. Although they get no beer nor young men on their knees, these women would attain heroic status by crying so much that every tear turns a mill, and the Irish government uses hydro-electricity to solve its energy-crisis.
8. Andy White would be wrong about you. Andy would however continue to love you nonetheless.
9. Gilbert O’Sullivan would cry. And then Gilbert would die.