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Kansas City Irish Festivals, Music, Pubs, & Events by an Artist in Ireland

We are currently deep in the heart of winter deep in the heart of the country. It’s rather colder than winters in Ireland.

And freezing cold, as well as being that bit uncomfortable, is also expensive, dangerous, and often just plain impracticable.

So here are the winter tips you’ve been waiting for. All practical. All work.

1. Scratching yourself like a badly-manicured lover? The dryness of the winter air bothering you so much you miss the oppressive humidity of summer? Take advantage of the oils in shampoos and smear your whole body in a product designed for dry hair. Don’t rinse. Don’t repeat. Don’t condition. Walk around starkers and shampooey all day and you won’t feel the need to scratch a thing. And as a bonus you’ll be smelling of roses. Or Tangerine Tickle.

2. Bring a spare pair of shoes with you wherever you go. Not in case the pair you are wearing get messed up and too wet from the snow - that would be defeatist - no, put the spare shoes on your hands and use them to make footprints directly in front of you which you can then follow, stepping into safely and keeping your feet dry. As a bonus leave dead-end trails to confuse anyone following you.

3. If you have an ice storm, followed by a snowstorm, and then a complete thaw followed by sub-freezing temperatures, and you must go for a stroll around your dead grass, do not be tempted to kick the free newspaper somebody has helpfully thrown into your front garden that has since magically lost its pretty blue plastic sheath. A newspaper not thawed, especially a free one, is a brick.

4. Make the most of your spice rack. Mix rosemary in with garlic salt, whole black peppercorns, and paprika. Sprinkle liberally on the path to your door to fight the ice, grit the surface, and aid visibility of where you’ve sprinkled. It’s a Garden Masala and your aromatic path will be the envy of the neighbourhood.

5. Save yourself $100s through the winter by turning off your gas central heating and switching to stragetically placed electric heaters. Taking advantage of the cheap winter electricity rates, whilst spurning the expensive winter rates for gas is a win-win. Do be sure to subtract the ongoing cost of the medication for headaches air heaters strategically placed eighteen inches from your face will cause.

6. Build a fort in your living room. Just big enough for everybody to sit inside - you can leave out the oversized armchairs. Use flannel sheets to enclose the fort including a low ceiling. Leave an opening just big enough to see the TV or the goldfish. Place an electric heater inside the fort with you and you’ll be toastier than a piece of toast in a toaster. Turn the heating in the rest of the house down as low as it will go. Don’t dawdle on trips to the bathroom.

7. Unpopular with the rest of the people you share your house with because you are making them watch TV from an indoor fort as they tend to your broken shampoo-dripping toes in between frigid dashes to the bathroom where they lament the lack of condiments in the winter? Move out. Build an igloo

See Some Other Fascinating Lists:
   • 10 Songs They Taught Us In School in Ireland
   • If Wishes Came True in Irish Songs
   • Irish Inventions and their Inventors

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 1st, 2007 at 7:42 am and is filed under 1-eolai, Lists, weather. You can follow responses via my RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.